


i looked at you and wondered if you saw things my way

by XioNin



Series: Starman: Sander's Song [8]
Category: WTFock | Skam (Belgium)
Genre: Angst, Canon compliant-ish, M/M, S3, ep 6, sander pov
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-21
Updated: 2019-11-21
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:55:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21516358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/XioNin/pseuds/XioNin
Summary: Running into Robbe had been enough of a shock to the system. It had hit Sander like a zap of electricity, jump-starting his heart and sending it into overdrive. He’d been hoping for it, wishing for it, dreaming of their reunion. But that wasn’t what sent Sander reeling as he walked out of the café, it was the look of utter betrayal in Robbe’s eyes.
Relationships: Robbe Ijzermans/Sander Driesen
Series: Starman: Sander's Song [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1533593
Comments: 8
Kudos: 126





	i looked at you and wondered if you saw things my way

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from David Bowie's "We Are the Dead"

Running into Robbe had been enough of a shock to the system. It had hit Sander like a zap of electricity, jump-starting his heart and sending it into overdrive. He’d been hoping for it, wishing for it, _dreaming_ of their reunion. But that wasn’t what sent Sander reeling as he walked out of the café, it was the look of utter betrayal in Robbe’s eyes.

_Where is the manager when you need him?_

Sander had imposed an embargo upon himself: Stay away from Robbe for a while. That was his only mandate. He’d done enough damage, and it was the only way he knew to save Robbe from, well, him. He wanted to give Robbe space, give him time to move on from him. From them. It was for the best.

Of course, Sander had caved late Monday night.

He’d been listening to _Black Star_ again, Bowie’s final album before his death, when the lyrics to _I Can’t Give Everything Away _hit him. Again.

What was it about that song that had him listening on repeat, lately?

_Seeing more and feeling less_

_Saying no but meaning yes_

_This is all I ever meant_

_That's the message that I sent_

It was everything he’d been feeling all week.

Sander had unlocked his phone, scrolled to the Spotify app, and shared the song with Robbe before he could think to stop himself. He’d stared at WhatsApp for a full minute, waiting to see if Robbe would open the text. Then he’d closed it out and flopped back onto his bed, wondering what message he’d really been trying to send. Was it a hello or a goodbye?

Tuesday afternoon, he’d passed a billboard featuring a really cool ad for a Highland whisky and taken a snapshot of it. Had sent it to Robbe without thinking. He’d almost deleted it, since Robbe hadn’t even looked at his last text, but left it alone in the end.

Deep down, he wanted to believe they could one day, perhaps, find a way to be friends again. Maybe go back to how things were before he’d fucked it up, before he’d ignored his own script and had started improvising, ad-libbing as if his life could be any different. As if _he_ could be any different. Any less broken. Less damaged goods, somehow. Any less alone.

This morning - or was it last night? – he’d broken down completely and sent one simple message. _I miss you_.

So, running into Robbe randomly at a café he rarely even went to was… Well, perhaps it was this universe’s way of reminding him he had read it all wrong.

Sander had thought that Robbe would be better, happier, without him. He’d thought he’d done the right thing and in the right way. He’d actually thought there was another path, a different path, they could walk together. One where he didn’t cause so much harm, didn’t put Robbe in so much danger. One where Robbe would agree and forgive him and be grateful Sander had spared him the worst of himself.

What Sander hadn’t expected was the pain in Robbe’s eyes. What he hadn’t counted on was the anger. The dismissal, as if they meant nothing to each other anymore. As if Robbe hadn’t tipped Sander’s neurons into a blender and turned it on high. Even now, he buzzed from standing near him for less than thirty seconds. Sander craved so much more, knowing he couldn’t have it, but willing to settle for crumbs.

So, he did the next best thing. He stood outside the café, like a creeper, and watched his future move on without him.

He looked tired, but at least Robbe was smiling. Still, Sander didn’t like how dim Robbe’s light was. He hadn’t liked the way Robbe’s mouth had pinched at the corners when they’d spoken, especially knowing he was the one who had done that to him.

Robbe had brushed by him as if they were strangers, but he hadn’t been able to hide the truth behind the gesture. Sander had hurt him much more deeply than he could ever have realized, and he had no idea what to do about it. No idea what he _should_ do about it, if anything.

Sander knew what he wanted. He knew what he craved down to the marrow of his bones.

He also knew what he deserved, and those two things were diametrically opposed.

Sander got on his bike and pedaled hard. Before he realized it, he’d ridden half-an-hour in the wrong direction, his thoughts circling around the look on Robbe’s face before he’d left him standing in the café.

_Where is the manger when you need him?_

_Where were you when I needed you most?_ That’s what he’d meant. Sander knew it. And he knew he’d ghosted Robbe for days after those fuckers had jumped them.

Shit happened, he’d told him. Shit like that had happened to Sander all the time. The world was a violent, fucked up place. But he’d never stopped to think that maybe shit like that hadn’t happened to Robbe before. He hadn’t stopped to think that it had probably scared him, made him angry, made him feel vulnerable. And Sander had done what Sander always does, he’d run away. Fuck his reasons, he’d abandoned the one person who meant more to him than anyone or anything.

He wanted to scream.

Instead, he pulled out his phone.

“Get off the path if you’re not using it,” a guy yelled as he passed on his bike.

Sander flipped him off with one hand while navigating to What’s App with the other, typing furiously as Bowie’s words came to him.

_Did you ever have a dream or two_

_Where the hero is a guy named you_

_And the things he does are just too much_

_Does he fly like Mr. Superman, speak Chinese, French and Dutch?_

_And did you ever have a dream or two?_

_Have you ever woken up one day_

_With the feeling that you'd been away?_

_If the boy that you dreamed of last night_

_Had the same dream, in the very same scene_

_With the very same boy, hold tight_

Sander hit send. Waited. Watched the gray checks turn blue.

No reply.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, I took a few liberties with this one. Knowing Sander sent texts that we (for some unknown reason) were not allowed to see, I extrapolated what I thought the content might be. If my theory is disproved, I'll revisit this later. For now, this is what I've got. Thanks for indulging me!
> 
> I reused the lyrics from Bowie's "I Can' Give Everything Away" because I think this song would resonate with Sander. There are also lyrics from Bowie's "Did You Ever Have a Dream".
> 
> Thank you for reading, and for all your lovely comments! xoxo


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